Sunday 26 August 2012

Recount [LOL, um, this post goes over days, which is why it's so long :L Enjoy.]

3rd:

I've always been fascinated in three things:
  • Drowning,
  • Running away &
  • Forgetting.
I just think they're really interesting and I like adding them to my writing. That is all. Note: I'm pretty sure I've said this before.

I would also like to marry a man with the last name Meadows. That way, I could also have it, and my name could always sound like a happy place. "William Meadows". I think one of the music tutors has it and it's such a lovely name. I'm not entirely sure, but it's something like Charlie Meadows. Oh my god, I love it LOL

Just a quick little thing about Trials. Ew, yuck, icky. I was not prepared and I was just not prepared. It will probably be that thing (if I were ever to reach a band six) that would push me down to  a band five (or lower, ahh). Ugh. Ew. Yuck.

Next: I did my drama trials for group performance. It was an okay performance, but the audience was silent and the blocks were in the way - THE BLOCKS WERE IN THE WAY.

Anywho, after that, we ate lovely thai and it was yum. And then, my drama group + huynh and eeh went to Jenn's house to do "essays" and "short answer questions". I didn't do any because I'm a lazy bastard, and I think I'd like to write my first essay on my 18th birthday. .... LOL That might have given it away. Anywho, one student was very weak to the powers of exams and was so adorable. Another student transformed into a tomato and another became a lot more talkative and fun. But apparently, when I left the exam room, one student started, um, feeling the heat of the room and taking off his, um, test... papers.... and another spilt ink all over the table and clogged it. ... LOL Yeah, things may get sexiful when I leave, but they also get hurty. So watch it, guys.

Also, I want a boyfriend.

Also, just a word about my drama group. I love my drama group! They're so awesome, and I've loved our times together. I love the three-hour, inappropriate talks at the lonely park, the laptop breaking, the horny guys calling wrong numbers, our rising from the ashes, the crepes, the strange, latin dancing/leg wrapping, the spastic, latin leg flailing, the nice ass, the unbuttonings, the shaking bridge, the virgin/non-virgin stories, the dong-ding! (even though that only existed between me and maria, and pissed the hell out of you guys), the mosaic penises with the wifi signal, the lovely pecs, the killer fan, the cockiness, the panic, Shirley the Jam-maker who became head-servant yearning for the top, Princess J. to moody servant who apparently IS NOT PREGNANT, the retired, pill-popping athlete, Joey, who became the brawny and somewhat daft gardener, the black widow, Mysterious M, who transformed into the gold-digging French whore, and of course - the rich-boy and (failed) magician, Bobby, who turned into an even more pathetic servant-magician. I love everything about you guys, and we created a bond made out of lust, memories and pecs. We'll probably forget our lines over time, but we shall never forget the times we had. Let us kick ass at the HSC. (We need a motto, so let's just go with this terrible line for now-) Go, THE SEX! (lol, told you so.)

OH, FINE-LOOKING BLACK GUY IS IN MY HEAD. I didn't get a close look at his face but his build - Mm. He keeps passing by in my head, but I never see his face. He is the nameless and faceless black man of my mind. Who... are you? lol.

My script is going terribly, by the by :L As in, I've had no energy to write :L I'll attempt to now. ...

22nd:

Okay, so lol, a few weeks have passed and I handed in my script! Whoo! I mean, I didn't really execute my idea well enough and hahahahha, I didn't triple-check but oh well. It's gone. I've handed it in. And, I guess, I'll do what Mars suggested and I will never look at it again. lololol, I made a typo when I was writing 'again' and it came out as 'agina'. That is all.

So guess what, boys and girls. DRAMA HSC IN TWO DAYS. AH. Goshy goobers, I am freakin' out, dude. Kinda. I need to fix my pitch and speed. Pitch. And speed. Hm. I reckon I can... Hopefully.

Anywho, the other day, I sat in English and I was quite sad. I thought about my script and it was always the same thing - it's not good enough and of course that led to you're not good enough. And that made me really, really sad and then that one idea came back to plague me - if you can't do this, what can you do? Because I don't want to be ordinary. I want a talent, I want to be really good at something, I want to be a prodigy! But of course, that's a tad (just a tad) bit out of reach. So I'll settle for really, really good. Oh, and I figured that writing might not be for me lolololol

Instead, I was thinking, directing. Like, getting all the credit, you know? :L I'll think up a cool-ass storyline, get some real good writers to do ze dialogue and I'll make it all come together. Like corn. ... Wait. And then, in the credits - DIRECTED BY WILLIAM MEADOWS. lol, that is my stage name, by the way. It'll be funny because after you fall apart and cry your eyes out from my fantastic, super-sad film, you'll go to a happy place. .... Lol, perhaps I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

But, I also pondered about my future - more specifically, the how. Or why. LOL, okay, I may not be entirely sure as to what this paragraph is going to be about. ALLONS-Y, ALLONSO! So, I know I'm going to get through a lot of hard times throughout life. I'll be constantly disappointed in myself, because hey, I am so goddamn lazy, and know matter how many times I notice it, or whine about it, I will not change. Because changing takes effort. Anywho, so, like, I thought about directing/writing and really, it's so stupid. As in, the main reason is because it's where my passion lies, but will I succeed? What's the chance of becoming big? THEY'RE VERY SMALL, WILLIAM. And really, the only reason to counter all the cons was because I don't want to study boring stuff :L As in, I'm just too stubborn to accept the fact that I'm better off at uni, but ew! I know it's naive, and childish and oh-so stupid, but ew ew ew! LOL Oh my god, I am definitely going to fail at everythining. I have no sense of... lol, there is a word here that I know but I cannot remember. .... It's on the tip of my [YET ANOTHER INTERRUPTING FUN FACT, BOYS AND GIRLS: 'Anomia is the technical word for tip-of-the-tongue syndrome when you can almost remember a word, but it just won’t quite come to you.] tongue. Hopefully the word will come later. But I don't want to spend my life stuck behind a table or doing something I don't want to. I really don't. I know I don't, I know it!

But what else can I do? Go into  a business where I have such a tiny chance to succeed? If I make it, of course I'll be happy, but there's a giant hole I could fall into. An abyss. And it's right in front of the oasis. Should I jump?

Also, about the directing, lol, that would be a bad idea because it means I need to be very organised. And I cannot be very organised, no siree. I depend on everybody else, and I suck suck suck at having power because I don't know how to use it. I always end up not trusting myself and having people check my actions before I act. It's a terrible habit. Ugh.

Oh, by the way, that fun fact, the anomia one - that was from my monologue. As in, I had that phase of writing my own monologues which was really bad. Oh my god, I was so arrogant. I still am, sadmjhdjsfjfak, I am so embarrasing, ughhh. Anyhwo, lol, I'll post all my mono's onto wattpad or something and if you guys like, I'll link you and you can check em out :) But oh my god, lol, I really am arrogant and the worst part is, I don't even have anything to be proud of. As in, lol, I just judge and criticise things as if I'm better when I'm not. I think there's a word for that. Somewhere... But seriously, I criticise EVERYTHING. I'M TERRIBLE. I have this horrible habit of just judging a movie right then and there because I assume it's just one of those hollywood movies with no special, artsy things, it's just there to make money and that's it. I really don't appreciate movies like that, but in the end, I end up enjoying them. LOL, I'm terrible, guys. I really am. 

And oh my lord, I really want to try a really emotional monologue. If I could pull one off, oh my lorddd.

23rd:

Okay, cool idea for a monologue. So I'm dressed up as a zombie, right? Make up and all. I think not too much blood. Depends on the plot. Anywho, come in, ankle breaks - "Aw, goddamn it." So, like, he's newly undead, and it's comical at first. He's like complaining about zombie stuff, like the booze keeps leaking out of the whole in my neck or I can never get into the right dead position, ugh. And as the play goes on, he starts getting more peeved but then the story turns a tad bit more intense when he starts thinking about his death. And then he starts talking about his past life - perhaps he was a

24th:

LOL, sorry, had to get off computer immediately.

Anywho, perhaps he was a neurologist or a salesman but yeah. [NOTE: Maria thought of a joke today where he's all like, "I used to be a vegetarian but now all I want is brains. That's meat! I don't want brains, I want grains!"] He thinks about all his problems in his living life and how he won't miss them but then there are all the small things in life that you love. Then unkindled loves, a future with a wife and kids, the luxury of sleep, home sweet home - everything that made him human, happy and content with life. He starts to then get angry. He gets angry about his death at first, but then he realises, what the hell? How cruel is that? If you're going to kill me, kill me. Don't bring me back to life. The piece stops being comical and he becomes furious. He's all pissed at the world, at life, and he starts to think about how unfair and disgusting life, or the lack of it, can be and he screams. He yells. It builds up to a climax, where he shouts, and in that shout, he chokes. Something's happened in his body. In his stomach? I don't know. Maybe his heart finally beat its last beat and now it's gone. You realise that he's losing his humanity. He goes behind a few blocks and falls. All you can see is his hand, lying on the floor next to the blocks. It twitches a little at first, but then it clenches into a fist. Then a claw on the ground. And then he starts to stand up, using the blocks as support. He breathes like a zombie, very deeply. And in one giant yell, he inhales all the air, and he CRIESSSSSS. HE YELLS, HE SCREAMS, HE MAKES THE MOST MONSTROUS, DEATHLY WARCRY IN THE WORLD. Loud enough to blast through several walls. Like, it's a zombie shout. It's scary, bro. It's deep and throaty and angry and ahhh. LOL Yeah, and that's how it ends. Au revoir.

Anywho, DRAMA. AH. WHY. NO. IT'S OVER. The Sex did well and Jenn did well and we all did well and well well well, look at what we have here. IT'S ALL OVER. WHAT DO I LOOK FORWARD TO NOW? WHAT? I PRITHEE THEE, TELL THY WOEFUL... GUY. ...

Photos:
LOL I love this picture because it captures the essence of our play. Jenn says something weird and we just all give her the look. And lol, jenn has that same expression she always has :L

The french mistress and the failed magician.

It's called art, ugh.

Checkmate.

The sad salesman and the daft gardener.

26th:

There once was a boy from Nantucket.
Who danced til his eyes popped into flowers, his liver flooded with glitter and his gut was poisoned
to its extremities.
Stripped dry of a home, he wandered into the desert sun,
no will to live, no heart to beat back into life.
 A ghost of lonely measures, a spectre of inhuman rights-
All alone - unfound, unnoticed, unloved.
Unastronomical.

LOL, I don't know why I do this :L If this makes sense to you, then lol, wow.

So I went to parra yesterday, right? And I got meself these new shoes. They're navy vans. And I was apparently very picky at the shop but they're shoes! They aren't cheap, dammit. Anywho, I had three pairs in mind. The navy, the grey with brown vintage-y stuff and the blue leather/wine-tasting shoes. I tried the wine-tasting ones on first and they were eh. But there was something about them. I moved on to the navy and they were nice. And the grey one I didn't try on. I asked the salespeople which one they liked most and they all went with navy but the navy was actually my least favourite, even though they were nice. And so I asked if I could see the grey one in my size but no siree, it was either too big or too small. So I just bought the navy ones because they were after all nice. But it's been bugging me so much. THE WINE-TASTING ONES. I know they weren't that great looking and the shop person himself was all like, oh, yeah, they're... okay. Nobody liked them. LOL When I tried it on, I even went .... oh... okay then. But when I left the store with the navy shoes, there was an itch at the back of my head going - you made a mistake. Why. THERE WAS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. And it's been bugging me ever since. Ugh. Dammit. 

This is my shoe.

And this was wine-tasting: 
 
I don't understand why I like it so much. The blue is a leathery material, by the way. Maybe it's because navy feels so ordinary.

Anywho, I got the navy shoes for my birthday from my brov, which is nice. Even if it's a tad bit late, I got vans, whoo!

Clementine: Joely?
Joel: Yeah, Tangerine?
Clem: Am I ugly?
Joel: Mm-mmm.
Clem: When I was a kid, I thought I was. [sighs] Can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid. Like you don't matter. So, I'm eight... and I have these toys, these dolls. My favourite is this ugly girl doll who I call 'Clementine'. And I keep yelling at her: "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird. Like if I can transform her, [sniffles] I would magically change too.
Joel: You're pretty.
Clem: Joely, don't ever leave me.
Joel: Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty.

They're under a blanket by the way, and he's saying pretty as he kisses her face. ... :L And yeah, it's a scene from Eternal Sunshine. And you know how it's about a guy going to a clinic to remove the memories of his ex, and the scene is a memory in his head? The scene ends with Joel saying "Please let me keep this memory." :(

Such a beautiful movie.

I should've chosen wine-tasting. I know myself. I know I don't want just navy. I want the unwanted. The lesser-known, the alternative. Oh god, what have I done?

Oh well, what's done is done. In the end, I got free vans :) Okay then.

Hey, I think I can publish now.

OH, and one more thing. Ahhh, formal is coming soon. I really hope we can take Whyknee's dad's van. Also, I really want a specific outfit for the ball and I really hope I can find all of it in time and for a decent price :D Bye.

Okay, LOL, more things.

I am so arrogant, you cannot believe. Again, just stressing. Oh my lord, I have nothing to be proud of and yet I act as if I do. I really need to fix that. Oh dear god, I want to punch myself in the face.

Also, I'm thinking of making a tumblr blog for literature and stuff. Like, my own writing mixed with other writings that I like.

Alsoooo, TROY FROM COMMUNITY IS SO DAMN FINE. I love him! He's so cute and when he dressed up as a sexy dracula in the zombie ep, he had a gorgeous body. And he was still as cute as always! AH. I don't know the actor's name though :L He's a comedian I think. And he might rap. Or I'm racist. Or both. Hm.

And this morning, I spent half an hour at fairfield forum looking for ingredients for a dip and LOL nope. I tried making a rocket and macadamia pesto dip but macadamias were too expensive and I didn't even know what a bunch of rocket looked like when I left the house :L So that failed. It was for the drama "debriefing" by the way, where we were to think very hard about how we finished the drama HSC practical, and we eat the foods we bring in :L My left foot is currently very numb.

Okay, I think it's time to post now. Sorry for the delay :L Au revoir. I'll post the link to my writings blog when I make it.

Monday 6 August 2012

Future Fears IV

Unless that 'future realisations' bit doesn't count. Then in that case it's III. ... LOL Anywho, dreams are so bitchy. I mean, it's great - dreaming and all, but dreams are so out of reach. Or they can be. I keep telling myself that if I follow my dreams, I'll be content, no matter where it leaves me. But these feelings keep getting shot down by the realisation that I could become so much less. I could be just a small time director that at 40, dies his hair platinum blonde, shaves his sides and ties his hair up like a pineapple. He enters film festivals whenever he can but has only ever reached the edge of the better auditions, where the judges slowly brush him aside for the new, better videos. He'll write and write and never be recognised because he's just too minute to be. I mean, who wants to read his crappy crap-crap? Nobody. At all. Not even the friends who have by now left him or at least look down on him every chance they can. As painful as it is, it's a possibility. It's quite a big one too. I mean, we all get that terrible feeling that we're not good enough to achieve our goals. My goal is huge - I mean, only a filmic genius could become a world-famous writer-director who makes amazing, dazzling stories every step he takes. I don't have what it takes. I know it. It's so scary, the world ahead of us. And we can dream on and take risks but there's a big gorge between where we are now and our desired destination. Sure, we could have the bravery to jump, but who's going to catch us when we miss miserably and fall into the deep abyss of failure? I don't want to fail. I don't want to be the kid who comes last or the sad pineapple man. I want to be a star, and yet I'm only a boy with future fears. I'm so afraid of where my life will take me. If I follow this path, will I really be happy? I don't want to be a writer who is as renowned and loved as the dust between piano keys. I can't even write nice in my blogs. I can dream but I may not live it. The chances of becoming what I want to become are so achingly small. Perhaps I'm being negative but I am also being reasonable. The celebrities of today are always talking about how they worked so hard to get where they are, and they did, but millions of people work just as hard, don't they? And where are they? In the shadows, unknown and unseen. Okay, I'm being a whiny little ass. I'll stop. But future fears, man. I'm so scared. Okay, new paragraph, new mindset.

You'll never know until you try. Push through the rain, and you'll find the sun. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. No pain, no gain. We'll never reach the stars if we don't put our hands out. This is the life you lead - whether you live it to it's full potential is your own choice. Choose wisely. Dream on. Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.