Sunday 29 June 2014

Retreatin'!

Can't wait to spend four days learning and drinking and dancing!!!! Ahhhh, the dancing got me all excited and I just wanna, you know???? But now the topic of dancing has made me all sad,

Because the gang went out last night and I work every single saturday and it sucks because this wasn't the first time I missed out. If only I finished at nine or something, that would make me happy. Anyways, i missed out on William Hong dancing!!! He doesn't like his dancing or some shit so he doesn't do it sober :( I miss out on everything.

But I should get back to getting excited about retreat!!!!

Nini is over right now because retreat gave her the excuse to stay over at my house since she could lie her ass off to her parents about staying at the retreat for five nights instead of four, tsk tsk. Clever plan though. We have cheap face masks ready and we're gonna drink tea and eat strawberries. She's cleaning my room. As the night goes on, more of my floor is revealed to fresh light.

Okay, that's it. Just a filler post. Au revoir. I'll see you soon enough.

We're too sober rn, tbh

Saturday 28 June 2014

You're giving it all for nothing, you're giving it all for nothing - I know.

You know what I've always found interesting? Growing up in an area known for its immigrant population because all your friends and all the kids in your grade are second generation immigrants. And we all practically lived the same life. We all grew up the same. And it's sorta beautiful but sorta sad. I'll describe my feelings on my situation as a son of immigrant parents and maybe you guys will find a connection? Share the feelings?

First things first, no shame. No shame of what colour skin you have, no shame of your culture or your ethnicity. Your mum cooks pho, your base carbohydrates will always be rice, leave your shoes at the door, meet at 2pm "Asian time", *Cambodian phrases* (idk the cambos do that a lot and then they cheer) - pretty much azn pride. And it's great. Be proud to be born into the family you were born into.

But then there are the struggles - the struggles brought on from your parents' struggles (sounds bratty, I know lol). Because being a child of parents who migrated from poverty, there's pressure and burdens. But you can't speak about the pressure because speaking brings guilt.

It's beautiful, it really is - this admiration that we all feel for our parents. In the end, we're so glad that our parents endured so much and worked so hard to give us what we have now - coming from nothing and giving us everything.

And yet, it's so hard to live up to it all. Because they did work hard and you have to make up for it. You can't just fail and let down your parents so that everything they went through was pointless. And it's terrifying because it's not just your life in your hands. You have the weight of your parents' hopes as well. And it's heavy, believe me, it's so fucking heavy. But we're kids of immigrant parents. We were born with these weights tied to our ankles.

And of course, here comes the guilt: At least you weren't born into your parents' situation.

There are other factors also that affect all of us and that's the stigma and the expectations. It's how we're raised to live under the number one most important notion of respect. We have to keep the family's face. And I understand that, but it can be so poisonous. My parents haven't told a single person about my sexuality. Maybe it's just not the type of thing to come up in many conversations, but they know and I know, they wouldn't say shit if it did. "Why doesn't William have a girlfriend yet??" "Oh you know, he's just shy and not very good talking to girls!" And it extends beyond that to test results and careers, what you study.

And of course, of course, of course, of course, we all know, I know, you know, our parents sure know that we have to succeed because they built us a foundation to stand on. We have to grow up to study respectable degrees!! Keep the family's face, don't disappoint me, I just want you to have what I didn't.

It becomes a real privilege when you, the offspring of two people, can say "They didn't just have a baby forced into their lives, they chose to raise a child. They can keep acting like you owe them absolutely everything, like you have to pay them back but they knew exactly what they were getting into. Parents need to give their child space and let them bloom, blossom in the world the way they need to because you, as a parent, signed up for this. You gave birth to this child, the child was not a burden that was pushed onto you."

I don't really know what else to say about this topic. I'm sure there's a lot more to say. But I've always found that my happiness lies within my parent's disappointment. And it's a terrible feeling. I should be ashamed. But sadness overtakes the shame and instead I'm guilty and sad, sad and guilty.

Goodbye, friends.

Friday 27 June 2014

Love, what've you done with my tongue?

Contacts, am I right?

In other news, excited for Chet Faker tonight!! Kinda. LOL I'm not exactly familiar with all his songs but I've been just getting into his new album and I hope he performs the ones that I like hahaha. And if not, I hope we can dance to it.

Love, what've you done with my tongue?
I open my mouth but you hear me wrong.
Love, what've you done with my tongue?
I open my mouth but you steer me wrong.

Tchüss!

Thursday 19 June 2014

Holy Smokes

Some of my favourite live performances:

1. Rihanna, "Stay / We Found Love" Live @ The X-Factor UK 2012 Finale



I love it when she performs Stay, it's always so raw and emotional (insert other words picked out from Typical Musical Reviews Daily) and Rihanna always does it just right. I really like it when singers don't sing certain things so they can catch a breath. Like, they let the recording take over the performance for a small second so they don't have to sing it themselves because performing is tiring. It's just nice to know that they're human is all. Anyways, love how you can see how much Stay takes out of her as a single. I remember this photoset on tumblr where she was like "writing lyrics is hard, the emotion just takes so much out of you, it's emotionally exhausting" and then someone put a gif of a line from Rude Boy (something provocative, you know) and it just seemed so unfair. Anyways, she starts We Found Love all powerful too and it became a party song to lift up spirits and get the crowd dancing. That was good. Also, side note --> Loooooooove the dress and the leg bands and the shoes.

2. Lady Gaga, "Do What U Want" (ft. R. Kelly) Live @ The American Music Awards 2013



Now, you probably all know that I'm a huge fan of Lady Gaga. I mean, she's an amazing performer, absolutely gorgeous on the stage. She's got powerful vocals and none of that is at cost when it comes to her dancing. She lives to perform and excels creatively both musically and through aesthetics (look at her clothes lol and her ability to hide a keyboard anywhere). And this performance has it alllllll. It starts off as a playful knock to the infamous affairs of several American presidents. It's like a little musical skit and of course, gaga gotta dance. As it is evident here, Gaga's always been good at staging and adding drama to her performance///-> Cough cough, her VMA's performance of Paparazzi (Amidst all of these flashing lights, I pray the fame won't take my life). But of course, there's that part at the end of Do What U Want that's just the most beautiful thing. After "President Kelly" leaves her, the performance transitions into the real message of the song, the reason Gaga wrote it in the first place - to sing about her many criticisms in the media and how she endures it all to perform for her fans (essentially Applause). And oh my god, kneeling on top of the piano and singing while an old home movie of her playing the piano as a child plays behind her - it always gives me chills. It's so beaut. I love Lady Gaga so much omgggggggg.

3. Beyoncé, "Irreplaceable" Live @ idk it doesn't say LOL Somewhere in LA hahaha :\



Come on, it's Beyonce. LOL Yeah, she's got the vocals and it's one of her many classics -> Irreplaceable. It's a fun song, great to dance and sing to. And yeah, it's a bit annoying how she stops to shout out to her crowd but it's great how much she appreciates her fans. The best celebrities are the ones who appreciate, not the ones who always feel like they're doing their fans a favour. Anyways, can we get a hells yeah for the bridge and the last chorus and all the stuff that comes after that? God damn, Beyonce. God damn.

4. Florence + the Machine, "Between Two Lungs" Live @ Oxegen Festival 2010



Constant belting done right - I love Flo so mo. ... Mo isn't ever short for much is it? Let's pretend I'm saying I love Florence so more/moustache then. Anyways, one of the first performances I saw of her not doing Dog Days and dog days was the first song I fell in love with from her. I remember loving this performance so much and I still do. The liveliness that is Florence Welch presents such a gooooood stage presence. I love Flo so moustache.

There are always going to be more and of course, it's not only the megastars that perform well. I'm sure there are so many unrecognised performances out there that top these ones. If you know em, link me pls. You know what, here are some notable mentions (idk what that means, idk what to call them lol)

Imagine Dragons & Kendrick Lamar "Radioactive / m.A.A.d city" Live @ The Grammy's 2014 -> I will forever hate the grammys for their censoring.

Kanye West, "Blood On Leaves" Live @ VMA's 2013 -> Sorry, best quality I could find. I just love the silhouette thing sooo much. So simple but so beautiful.

Taylor Swift, "I Knew You Were Trouble" Live @ AMA's 2012 -> What a costume change, aye?

Kimbra, "Settle Down" Live @ ARIA Awards 2012 -> sounds kooky but I liiiiikeeeeeee. And I mean, the ending omg loved it so much.

Ed Sheeran, "Give Me Love" Live @ The Live Room -> Jack of all trades, master of pretty much all of them. Ed rockin' the loop pedal, great performance.

Bye all, thanks you watched every single one of them lol Until next time.

Monday 16 June 2014

Forever is a long, long time when you've lost your way.

Why did I end my Maps series so early, now I have nothing to talk about. I mean, yeah, that thing was just me blogging, so why can't I do the same? Well here's what's up -> I've been doing NOTHING.

I will not let this pit be my home - I will emerge from this fucking funk and become something/somebody. I'm not quite sure how. But today was sort of a breather day. Not quite sure how to explain what I mean by a "breather day" but I dealt with a few things that were weighing me down just a little bit and it was nice. Taking off loads as I go.

Anyways, that got me excited about the coming weeks because I just have some sense of motivation to do things now. Just a few days ago, I was so sad and I just lounged and did nothing. I let down VSA usyd and I constantly let down myself. I was freeloading to the max. It was great but so undeserved and that's the worst kind of free time. And when you're given that kind of free time (always against your will), you realise it can so easily become wasted time. And I wasted so much time.

Grenadine sunshine, can you fade inside of mine?

I'm so excited for the things to come: Chet Faker, my friends going on holidaaaaay again so I can spend time with them (especially excited for Jess taking me to places hahahaha, tenks, #j), Splendour in the Grass, committee bonding, state retreat, more time with "N", late Friday nights, house parties, drinking with friends, trying newer things, shopping, getting Thai food with kik members, late night talks because we can - I miss these things so much.

I really do.

Top five things that have been on my mind lately:

1. Why do I keep eating so late at night? I just get so hungry and if I'm not eating because I'm hungry, I'm eating because I'm bored. I shouldn't hang out in the living room because it is connected to the dining room which shares itself with the kitchen. I keep eating eggs and drinking tea, this is not a nutritional nor safe diet. This one night I ate three boiled eggs in a row. They made my stomach feel weird and the salt I dipped them in (yep) made my mouth super dry. I should gym. All my friends are gyming. I should gym.
2. My sleep pattern is ruined, I'm finding myself sleeping at 4-5am every night. Every. Night. It's so damn unhealthy but I don't really feel ashamed. I just feel off, you know? Well, I obviously don't. I should sleep.
3. Skincare. I bought new face wash, I'm showering in the night and I'm covering my pillow with clean cloths. In fact, my pillowcase just came out of the wash. Get the fuck out of my face, blemishes. I want to be at my best, at last. I just want to be better than what ever this is.
4. I really enjoy making out, can we keep doing that? When is he going to invite me out again? I honestly want to get to know you but to be even more honest, I really just want to continue sticking my tongue in your mouth and I want to find out what it's like to- ... Let's not.
5. I should really find a driving instructor, gosheth.

Pick it fast like a flight far away from here. 
Although I know I feel at home whenever you are near.

This week on Will & Will, I have no work until the weekends. That's five free days. Monday, did nothing. Tuesday, will probably do nothing. Maybe I'll cook something for myself. Wednesday, my friends are in exam mode, why did my week of no work come now? Why couldn't it have been at least last week so it could've come and gone quicker? Thursday, shopping with mariaaaaaa. Friday, I really hope N takes me out again so we can continue what we started, I MISS WRESTLIng tonGUES with the BOY !!! And the weekends, I'll be workin'.

Okay, this post was long overdue. I'm now publishing. Goodnight, lovers and readers. Goodnight.

#StayTuned

Sunday 8 June 2014

V

So I recently watched V for Vendetta and it was insane. It was absolutely cray cray and in the best way. My favest (yup, said favest, not even the least bit ashamed, no backspacing today) part of the film (spoilers) was when Natalie Portman came onto the roof after her imprisonment and was just unleashed, standing in the rain. And they'd cut in some shots of V back when he was in the lab and there was the whole juxtaposition between the rain and the fire. That was mad as, bro. I loved V's monologue at the beginning also, in the rape alley. I didn't care for Stephen Fry. I also loved so much the lesbian autobiography written on the toilet paper. I was so upset when we found out that V was the one who gave it to Portman and it was almost like he wrote it but he was like, it was passed on to me at one point - and I was like, phew, good, the lesbian existed.

I really enjoyed the film, it was superb. I remember watching it when I was younger, and I remember Natalie Portman's face but not like it was in the movie... I think when I heard Portman was the protagonist my mind morphed my childhood memories of the film and I saw Black Swan Natalie instead. I remembered seeing a lot of the winter and ships but in the actual film, no such thing. Just buildings and shit. Hm.

8.8/10, would slam like a door. 

LOL Could you tell this was a filler blog post? Bye, all <3

Wednesday 4 June 2014

Time, time and time again

How absolutely ridiculous is this? How dumb. How gorgeously and intricately terrible is my life right now?

I feel like I'm repeating the same garbage with every post. And this is my life now. Repeated garbage. I need change. I've been experiencing some sort of strange change lately, but it's not much a game changer, to be honest. It should be. I'm walking into completely new territory. I'm walking, just now, on sacred ground that I've been aching to touch for years now. But it's no big deal. And that scares me.

I feel like I should be blogging.

But really, I have nothing to blog about.

I'm boring. And it kills me. I was talking to this guy the other week and he had all these stories about travel and his old job picking fruit with basic tree saps and how he got stung so many times because he didn't want to wear long sleeves and big hats. He had his life planned out and he had experiences with skinny dipping and playing bumper cars high.

And I was already battling this weird funk where I just couldn't stand my past life because I had experienced nothing. I didn't have any stories. I wasn't well-cultured and I never traveled properly. I grew up with this idea all the way through high school yearning to become someone interesting. I lived in this dreaming state for six years where I was to avoid at all costs becoming the average adult. I hated the idea of settling down in a dead-end job and I dreamed constantly. And then I remembered - this dude I was talking to was five years older than me. What's going to happen to me in the next five years? Where will I go in between now and then? So much can happen in so little time. For the first time in the longest time, I was excited. I was excited to live, to be alive - I wanted to continue with my life of growing and experiencing. I'm young. I'm dumb. I won't become the villain I feared three years ago. For fuck's sake, I'm only nineteen. This could be the very turning point of my life but every year is a turning point. There's an exit every way down the road.

I'm still deathly afraid of the world, but I'm not unwilling.

I'll never be ready but I will walk into the fog and I will come back out of it.

End blog post.

Adios.