I was harassed on the train on the night of new year's day and I left before they did anything really awful to me but it just felt so fucking shitty to feel so unsafe for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I wore lipstick to a party last night and on the way there, I learnt to purse my lips like it was a defense mechanism. That's all I wanted to say about the matter. I don't want to recount what happened, I just wanted to say I just never truly felt unsafe in that sort of situation before and it astounded me how gut-wrenching the ensuing feelings turned out to be when I got home. People had only ever laughed before.
-------------------------------
Nature Boy is a film I wanna make soon about a coward who ran away from the love he lost for a boy called Other Boy. The first half follows Nature Boy's journey through nature but it also revolves around the messages left by a distraught and heart-broken lover. Below are those very voicemail's.
Pre-recorded voicemail introduction: The following number is not available, please leave a voicemail after the tone-
[Beep]
EXT. Day.
Nature Boy ventures through the outdoors and gets lost, basically.
Other Boy: [Electronic recording, supposed to resemble a voice message] I went everywhere looking for you. Down the devil’s lane and
back up again. I thought maybe you were hiding. I wasn’t sure what from, but I
figured that was all it was, a little game. It isn’t supposed to last this long
and I always find you eventually. I always found you. But it’s been too long
for any of that nonsense and your birthday’s coming up this Sunday and I got
you a present half a year ago because I found these pink neon lights bent into
beautiful flowers and it made me think about you. I was gonna suggest you use
them as a nightlight so you’d never sleep like I haven’t. I bought it as soon
as I saw it and I’ve been waiting all this time to see the look on your face.
So can you please think about coming back soon? I miss you.
[Beep, like the end/start of a voicemail]
This is getting ridiculous. Your mum’s worried sick. Or at
least she was really worried, by now she’s probably just depressed. I bet she
cries every night, how’s that make you feel? Do you feel rotten? Your dad sure
doesn’t but he’s always been awful so we kinda let it go, hey? Come back soon.
[Beep]
Silence.
[Beep]
I was at La Perouse the other night and we were sitting on
some rocks by the water and I got so high I thought we were sitting at a cliff
head and I got really depressed because I thought my favourite hat got blown
off into the ocean but it turned out Ruth was holding onto it the whole time.
She was the only sober one in the group and she was messing with our heads like
she always does. I wrote a poem in my head and it’s the second ever poem I’ve
written about you. It was pretty bad but that’s because it’s really hard to
rhyme back without crack and I didn’t want to write about crack or cracks at
the time but for some reason, I really wanted to write about your back. I’ll
read it to you when we meet again, I guess. I hope you’re getting these
messages.
[Beep]
I got lost again. This time it was in the city. Everybody
moves so fast so I went to go cry in the Westies bathroom but no tears came out
and that just made me sadder. Have you ever been like that? Remember that one
time we went to that retreat and we all took ourselves and our sleeping bags
down to the tennis court and watched the stars and at one point they all swayed
before us, dancing so brilliantly, and we thought it was all the second hand
smoke from the stoner group next to us but everybody gasped and it was within
that unanimous gasp that we realised that what was happening was really
happening. They danced from light years away just for us. Anyways, Lucy cried
at the sight and I tried to as well but nothing came out. Nothing ever does. I
wish I knew how to cry.
[Beep]
I made it into the arts school I wanted to get into. I
applied with a short story and of course, the short story was about you. From
the outside, it looks like the most bizarre thing and they loved it, I bet. I
doubt they thought it was real and I guess I made some parts up. I made up the
part where you were there and I added a gun because one of the stimuli they
gave us had a gun in it so I thought why not. It was about that time we both
knew we were in love. Or at least I knew. Have you ever lied to me, nature boy?
I always thought you never would but the longer you hide, the more I can’t help
but lose my trust in you. I’m losing my grip too, I think. I don’t know. Call
back when you can.
[Beep]
Why can’t people mind their own business? Does it make them
feel better if they interfere? Do they think they’re helping? I’m not crying
out. I heard someone tell my mum that I just needed some attention. Your dad’s
in the hospital by the way. He had a stroke or something. Your mum’s a wreck
about it and my mum made her a pie about it. Sorry about that.
I miss you so fucking much my veins are hurting me and they
leave maps seared onto my arms and one night I tried to follow them in the
hopes of finding where you’re hiding but I ended up falling into a ditch and
they didn’t find me until two days after. Anyways, that’s why I haven’t called
in a bit, I was stuck in the hospital and I didn’t want to worry you. I’m
perfectly fine, probably.
[Beep]
Remember when I made that bad joke and I said it because I
always said mean things to make you laugh but that time you actually got hurt
and it drove a wedge in our relationship? I blame myself entirely for that but
I just wished you learnt to let it go because things changed from then. I could
feel it. Did you?
[Beep]
This is the last message I’m leaving you. I’m leaving you.
[Beep]
[Drunkenly] I don’t love you anymore. I told myself
that a million times in the bathroom mirror today but the words went down the
drain and I tried to tear up the maps that lead me nowhere but the act reminded
me of you too much so I threw the knife into the bin and drowned myself
instead. Why won’t you call me back?
[Beep]
You could’ve at least told me you were leaving.
